The sun was shining in the sky over the Boston Commercial Street , business as usual was taking place. A man in dirty overalls and a cowboy hat was trying frantically to gather a bunch of chickens that had been let loose into the back of his truck. Two construction workers, who could pass as bikers in their spare time, were laughing uproariously. Tom walked into the lobby of Global Funds Brokerage with feathers tarred to his sport coat and his hair. He did everything he could to keep his panic at bay; the interview for margin clerk was in 10 minutes with no time to freshen up. The way things were going as of late, he had nothing to lose he kept telling himself. He walked up to receptionist’s desk and cleared his throat.
The receptionist behind the front desk appeared to have taken some relief in a fashion magazine. Her posture suggested that without such a distraction, death from boredom was eminent. After a moment, she glanced up with disdain and growing disbelief.
“May I help you?” she asked attempting not to bust out laughing.
“I’m here for the 11am interview” replied Tom in as professional a tone as he could muster.
The receptionist put down the magazine and leaned over the desk. “Really?” she asked.
“Yes, really” replied Tom trying to hide the edge of annoyance in his voice.
“Ok” quipped the receptionist, putting a hand over her mouth in a poor attempt to hide the smirk on her face without success. “I’ll call Mr. Wadsmith. Do you wish to freshen up first?”
“I am fine, thank you….” Tom said shortly.
“Please have a seat…” said the receptionist. Tom turned to sit down and did everything he could not to notice the receptionist’s laughter.
In Mr. Wadsmith’s office, he was completing the final touches of the latest in New Age interview techniques. On Mr. Wadsmith’s desk was a copy of Getting to the Interview Point: New Techniques in How to Tell the Real Person from the Candidate by Dr. John Robert Jackson, the 3rd, PHD. On the ground sat a mat covered with egg shells. Some of the shells were the plastic shells often used for panty hose; others were candy shells while the majority remained all natural brown or white chicken egg shells. The point of the exercise, according to chapter 23 of the Interview Zen book, is how the interviewee got past the mat of egg shells. Those who walked around the mat were ones who avoided problems. Those who trudged right through without concern for the eggshells or without any grace were thought to be not careful about details or other’s opinions. Finally, those who could navigate the mat without breaking a shell or those who jumped over the mat were thought as ideal candidates. This suggested that the candidate was graceful, can navigate any situation and/or overcome any obstacle.
Over the intercom, Mr. Wadsmith heard a bit of laughter and that the 11 o’clock was here, with feathers but no bells and whistles. He mumbled to himself as he walked over the intercom on his desk that the receptionist was a little bit daft. Before hitting the button on the intercom, Mr. Wadsmith looked up at a clock that was counting the time until his retirement. Underneath the clock hung a sign that said So much time to care so little! A smile crept over his face at reading this. “Send him in” he answered as he waited behind his desk with great anticipation. His eyes bulged when he saw Tom enter truly covered with feathers, but no bells nor whistles. Mr. Wadsmith’s jaw dropped when Tom stepped gently on one of the plastic egg containers without breaking it and clearing the mat with a small hop.
Tom crossed the room and extended his hand. With a confident tone, he stated “Hello Mr. Wadsmith, I’m Tom Happenstance. Pleased to meet you!”
After a pause, Mr. Wadsmith replied “You’re covered in feathers!”
A bit dejected, Tom replied “I had a bit of a run in this morning.”
“With Big Bird?”
“No sir, two members of a bicycle gang that have a qualm with me.”
“Do you mean members of a biker gang?” asked Mr. Wadsmith, the shock of how the interview was proceeding becoming more apparent.
“Well, sir, they are like a biker gang, but with Schwinn bicycles instead of Harley Davidsons.”
“And you didn’t have time to get plucked, I mean, cleaned up? Have you ever been on an interview before?” By now Mr. Wadsmith was leaning over his desk and was just short of screaming at the top of his lungs. Apparently the receptionist heard the racket as laughter erupted from the lobby.
Tom was very taken aback by Mr. Wadsmith’s tone but stated “I know that appearance is important. But I know punctuality is often just as important, sometimes more so.” By now Tom took a bold step by saying “And if you see me now at a low, imagine how I will be at my best!”
Mr. Wadsmith stood upright as if hit in the face and thought about what was said. “You have some gall to you sir! Can you start Monday?”
“But…”
“Ok Tuesday just as long as you clean up first. And no more than $60,000, plus benefits!” Mr. Wadsmith extended a hand.
“Ok! Thank you” replied Tom as he shook Mr. Wadsmith’s hand.
“You’re very welcome. My hyena of a receptionist Yvonne will forward on the necessary paperwork” said Mr. Wadsmith as he led Tom to the lobby.
“I heard that” touted Yvonne the receptionist.
“She often does” mumbled Mr. Wadsmith as his eyes rolled.
Tom walked out through the lobby and nodded at Yvonne.
“See you later bird boy” poked Yvonne.
“See you, hyena…” retorted Tom. Once outside, he let out a cathartic cheer once he fully realized what just happened. People passing by Tom tried walking as far around as possible, unsure of what to make of Tom.
“By the way, cancel all other interviews, the position has been filled!” yelled Mr. Wadsmith.
This was the best news Tom had so far today. Whether the bikers knew he had an interview or not was beyond him. Why he was attacked, though, Tom had reasons to suspect what their motives were. The bikers were acquaintances of his ex-girlfriend that just left him earlier in the week. He and Ivory were in a whirlwind of a relationship that lasted for over 2 years. She had always been interested in bikes, both the bicycle and motor type. In addition, she worked as a social worker for a brief time before taking a job in a human resources department at a local company. In that time, she had befriended or worked with people of an often shady nature, much to his dismay.
One morning they had a huge fight regarding finances since he was still looking for a job at the time. It resulted in her storming out to take a bike ride, leaving him steaming. After a few minutes of grumbling, Tom decided to go running to blow off steam. It was a beautiful April day and Tom decided to run through the park. Some parts of the park were especially hilly with large rocks that one could climb with ease. He decided to run up one to take a breather.
Once he got to the top of a particularly large rock, Tom’s eyes bulged when he saw by a bike path below. There Ivory stood surrounded by and talking to 3 very rough looking bikers on their bicycles. Unsure if these guys meant to hurt her, Tom shouted “I’ll save you, Ivory” before jumping off the rock to jump on the nearest biker. With a thud, he completely missed since the biker in question reacted to him coming. It took several minutes for Ivory to stop the bikers from completely beating the crap out of him and call 911.
On the way to the emergency room, Ivory spat “What were you thinking?”
As Tom held a bag of ice on his head with one hand and gauze bandages to his face with the other hand, Tom tried to explain that he thought she was in trouble.
“Do you realize that one of those guys was a former client and wouldn’t hurt a fly?” Her face became a shade of red.
“I didn’t know that” said Tom, his bleeding nose making his voice sound almost like a Muppet.
“Look, I think we need to call things off. I don’t think this is going to work…” said Ivory. Once the ambulance reached the hospital, she wished him luck, told him that she would stay at a friend’s place just for the night and took off. After x rays and other tests, Tom was released with a bandaged nose and a prescription for pain killers. The summer night greeted him with a rain storm that Noah could have seen leading up to the flood. Dejectedly, Tom walked out of MGH to the subway station wishing that the rain would wash away how the day went.
Once on the train, Tom sat across a poster for Pomegranate Juice. The poster suggested that since the fruit had been harvested for many years, those who drank the juice could be around for a long time too. For some reason he thought that there was a certain absurdity to the poster and its claims.
A few seats down, a Pomegranate fruit farmer, a meager 237 years young, was visiting the big city for a few days. “You know, pomegranate juice is good for the body” said the farmer in a confident voice, nodding to the poster. “But so is a little hard work, good wine and two packs of smokes a day.” Tom gave a short laugh. The farmer looked over to where Tom was sitting and regarded him with a bit of fatherly concern. “Women troubles, huh?”
“You could say that…” replied Tom, glancing over with an eyebrow raised.
“Listen, if you don’t mind an old man saying that sometimes things don’t work out. But when you find the right one, you’ll know.” He looked out the window and smiled. “She may even be wearing bells and whistles” advised the old man with a certain gentleness to his voices.
Tom cracked a small smile and thanked the old man. Right then the train pulled into the station and the doors opened. A young woman walked in, visibly upset, with bells and whistles stapled to her dress. The farmer and Tom looked on with a bit of surprise. The farmer pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to Tom. After a brief pause, Tom thanked him as he realized what to do.
He stood up and crossed the car to where the woman with bells and whistles was sitting. “Had a rough night too?” Tom asked, handing over the handkerchief and trying to smile.
“Horrible!” sobbed the woman, taking the handkerchief and wiping her eye. “People can be so cruel….”
“I know how you feel” Tom said as he rubbed the edge of his bandage. “Do you mind if I join you?”
“Oh I don’t know…” she said.
“I won’t bite… unless you asked” Tom quipped.
She smiled and stated, “I’m Stephanie, please”.
Stephanie explained that she was getting ready at a friend’s apartment before a couple of guys were to meet them there. She was ready early and asked to be woken up after a very brief nap. When she did, her clothes were covered with bells and whistles and the two men were standing there staring. Horribly embarrassed, she quickly grabbed her things and ran out before she could figure out why her friend would do such a spiteful act. Tom listened and comforted her as much as possible. He relayed his story about how he was dumped after an act of chivalry gone wrong. At the Harvard stop, they got off and joked about how there had to be someone for such hopeless romantics.
After an awkward pause, Tom asked “Say, can I call you or email you sometime?”
“Sure” said Stephanie as she pulled a pen and paper out of her purse.
Tom pulled out a piece of paper so he could write his information down as well. After the exchange of information, they wished each other a good night and parted ways, each with a smile. Tom left the subway station with the idea that maybe while one door was closing, another was about to open. He thought about this as he watched from over his shoulder as Stephanie walked away jingling.
The blairing horn and cursing from the cab driver snapped him out of the fog he was in. This also reminded Tom that he still needed to get his pain killers. Fortunately a pharmacy was close by and was still open. He got his medicine and called it a night.
A few days later, after trying to reconcile with Ivory with little success, Tom debated whether to call Stephanie. He looked though the jeans that would have had the piece of paper that had Stephanie’s information on it. No luck. He went though his wallet to see if he could find it. A lot of receipts, but still no luck. A thought dawned on Tom to look in the medicine cabinet of his apartment. The sneaking suspicion that Stephanie’s number was on the prescription he handed over to the pharmacist crept over him.
Tom bolted out of his apartment like a man with his pants on fire. Within twenty minutes, Tom got out of a cab, whose driver was cursing and blairing his horn at a random pedestrian. He ran into back of the pharmacy where he picked up his prescription and skipped over a long line forming at the counter.
“Excuse me,” said Tom as he tried to get the attention of the pharmacist and pharmacy technicians. At first, no one on the pharmacy side of the counter paid him any mind. “Excuse me,” he said a little louder.
“Sir you’ll have to wait at the back of the line” stated the pharmacy technician at the registrar, looking very annoyed. By then a few people in line were staring at him as he had just hit someone. Tom took a deep breath but walked to the end of the line.
After several minutes, he finally got to the front of the line. “How can I help you?” asked the pharmacy technician with a friendly but condescending tone.
“Hi, my name is Tom Happenstance. I dropped off a prescription here a few days ago and was wondering if you still had the order?”
“Did you have a question about your prescription?” asked the pharmacy technician.
“Actually, I wrote down something on the back of the slip of paper and was hoping that you still had it?”
The pharmacy technician looked at him for a brief moment as if Tom had gone a little crazy but managed to maintain a smile. “Hold on, let me check.” After a moment of the pharmacy technician checking underneath the counter and checking with the others, he let Tom know that all slips were shredded recently. Tom eventually walked away dejectedly, thinking that he missed out on a great opportunity.
On the other side of town, Stephanie was also on her way to a local dry cleaner. She, like Tom, had realized that she put his information on the back of a receipt too and that she no longer had the receipt. The only logical place she could think of was a dry cleaner that she visited earlier. She left a few things there and was planning to have her little black dress that had been belled and whistled to be de-belled and de-whistled when she picked up her other clothes. When Stephanie reached the cleaners in question, a small crowd and several fire trucks were in front of the burnt out remains of the place. Stephanie eventually walked away dejectedly, thinking that she missed out on a great opportunity, carrying her ruined dress with her.
The Monday following the interview and some time after the faithful night at the emergency room/train ride home, Tom was stopping by an apartment that was for rent. He had arrived early and was waiting outside until the previous appointment was done. The landlord and Stephanie walked out the front door.
Tom’s eyes lightened up. “Stephanie?” he asked.
“Yeah Tom?” replied Stephanie.
“Yeah how have you been?”
”Good, and you?”
”Good, and you?”
“Good” replied Tom.
“Do you two know each other?” interjected Mr. Peterson, the landlord.
“We’ve met” replied Stephanie.
“Great! Well Tom not to cut this short but, are you ready to see the apartment?” asked Mr. Peterson.
“Sure,” said Tom with a bit of hesitation in his voice. “Before I do, Stephanie, are you free later?”
“Yeah I am. Do you still have my number?”
“Sorry I misplaced it. Do you still have mine?”
Stephanie shook her head with a slight guilty look on her face. They exchanged numbers again, this time entering each other’s numbers into their respective cell phones. That night Tom and Stephanie decided to meet at a place called the Delicious Dish, a place that according to local reviews, served such bad food that the plates that it was served on was probably more edible.
After ordering the two sat in a brief awkward silence. Each wanted to say something but not sure what was a good topic to discuss.
“So…” said Tom.
“So…” said Stephanie.
“Looking for an apartment?” said Tom.
“Yeah. Same with you I guess, huh?”
“Yeah. One thing I noticed is that with a lot of things you can get, like a car or what have you, you can try them before you buy them. Or at least have trial a period before getting your money back. But not with apartments or homes. I always wondered why that was?” stated Tom, hoping that he didn’t just make an ass of himself.
Stephanie thought about this for a second. “You know you’re right! Say, are you looking for a roommate?”
Tom was taken aback by this question for a second. “I could use one. Let me guess you need one too, huh?”
“Of course, silly! How about this, why don’t we make a plan to only look at apartments that will allow us to try something out, like the kitchen or allow us to stay the night!” said Stephanie, while raising her eyebrows at the possibility of spending the night together.
Tom slightly blushed at this last part and replied “Sure.” For the rest of dinner the two discussed ideas for apartment hunting and which places to try what. They also spoke on things like music and other interests while they tried gagging down the Not-So-Delicious Dish’s culinary offerings. The next day the two met at Stephanie’s place to go over listings for places. The first three places they tried asking for some sort of trial, the people either came up with some sort of excuse, like the plumbing or gas is not ready or a flat out no. Tom chimed in “Say, isn’t there a place down the street?”
“I think so…” replied Stephanie. “Are you thinking of the place with the pink flamingos, right?”
“Yeah…You want to take a walk to see what the story is?” asked Tom.
“Sure” said Stephanie. The fourth place that Tom and Stephanie considered had
pink flamingos by the score on the small front lawn with accompanying Gnomes and Christmas lights that hung all year long. A ‘For Rent’ sign hung by the front door and was accompanied by a ‘No Soliciting’ sign underneath it. The two walked to the front door, rang the bell, and waited. A muffled voice seemed to come from within the house that sounded like it was cursing and coughing. After a few minutes, the front door opened with a pair of thick glasses peering out. “Can I help you?” a very nasal voice greeted Tom and Stephanie.
“We saw your sign for rent sign and was hoping to talk to you about the apartment…” said Tom hopefully.
“You’re not Communists are you?” asked the pair of eyeglasses.
A bit taken back, Tom replied “No.”
“How about Jehovah witnesses or Amway members? Either of you one of them?”
Tom and Stephanie shook their heads and confirmed that they had no connection with the Jehovah witnesses or were Amway members.
“Good, last thing this house needs are Communists or weirdoes roaming around!” The door opened and a very short and stout woman wearing a loud floral dress and hair curlers stood there. “Come in” said the woman. “I’m Ms. Ronstein. The room is upstairs.”
The two followed Ms. Ronstein to the room and explained about rent and what that included. When asked about giving the room a ‘test run’, Ms. Ronstein started laughing so profusely that she doubled over. Tom and Stephanie turned and walked out, both with a shade of bright red on their faces.
As the two walked to the curb, Tom said over the cackling laughter “What about Mr. Peterson’s place?”
“What about it?” said Stephanie.
“I know that I still need to call him about it.”
“That’s right! I still need to let him know too.”
“That’s right! I still need to let him know too.”
He dialed Mr. Peterson’s number. After a couple of rings, Mr. Peterson came on the phone with a gruff “Hello”.
“Hello, Mr. Peterson, this is Tom Happenstance, I saw your place a week or so ago.”
“Yes? Are you still interested in the place?” said Mr. Peterson.
“Actually both myself and Stephanie are both interested and want to rent it together.”
“I guess that’s fine” said Mr. Peterson.
“The only thing is that we want to stay at the apartment for the night first, if that’s ok. To try it out?” said Tom.
After a pause, Mr. Peterson answered “I normally don’t do this but I guess we can do that. But the two of you are responsible for anything that happens to the place.”
“Certainly. Thank you” said. Tom got off the phone and smiled.
“Well?” said Stephanie.
“We’re in!” said Tom.
That night the Tom and Stephanie crashed in the bedroom of the apartment. Stephanie had brought a stereo and some CD’s that they could listen to. Tom decided to bring a microwave though the two ended up ordering some Chinese food from a local restaurant that was not the Delicious Dish.
After finishing the appetizer, Tom had remember something and pulled up his bag. “I almost forgot this” said Tom as he pulled out a scented candle.
“Aww” replied Stephanie. She took the candle and smelt it. “Did you remember a lighter?”
Tom looked in his bag. “I knew I forgot something” as he slapped his forehead.
“How about matches?” she asked.
“Ditto” replied Tom. A little red was forming in his cheeks.
“That’s ok” replied Stephanie. “Music?”
“Sure” said Tom.
Stephanie turned on the stereo and grabbed a random CD from her collection. The Electric Slide blaired from the radio. This time, Stephanie turned a shade of red. Tom let out a little laugh.
“This CD is one that I used when I worked at a middle school. I played it at school dances when I chaperoned, I swear!” Stephanie exclaimed.
“Sure…” Tom smiled.
She gave him a dirty look and then returned the smile. The CD was changed to something a little lighter. The two finished dinner and joked that the food was actually edible unlike what was served at the Delicious Dish. For a short while Tom and Stephanie listen to music and joked about school dances they had been to. This was followed by interesting concerts each had been and so on.
After a while, Tom and Stephanie decided to call it a night. Although they lay in separate sleeping bags, the two cuddled together for warmth and companionship. Tom couldn’t help but feel that things were starting to take shape and everything, somehow, was going to work out.
A couple of weeks after moving in with Stephanie, they decided that they were formally a couple. He starting his job at Global Funds Brokerage and found that though it was demanding, he was good at it. One night after work, Tom was watching the 10 o’clock news with a beer in hand. A story came on regarding an orgy that was busted up by the cops a few miles away. In addition to the gratuitous sex scene, the cops found a cache of drugs worth nearly $6,000. Tom could not help but bust out laughing when the picture of Ivory and two of the bikers that attacked him flashed on the screen, showing as three of the participants that were arrested in connection with the whole fiasco. After all, some people get it in the end, while for others things work out in the end.
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